It’s the tequila guys who typically have all the fun with novelty decanters, putting their juice in vials shaped like everything from M-16s to the state of Texas.

Amateurs, says Teaz, which puts its French vodka in a bottle shaped like, well, you really have to see it to get it.

I’ll try to do it justice in words: It’s enormous, first of all, and it’s made entirely from frosted glass in the shape of a woman, her back against a pole, hair flowing down down to her hips. She’s wearing high heels that are embossed with silver stars, silver boy shorts, and the most frivolous of bikini tops, which is painted across what can charitably be described as an obscenely gratuitous bosom. She’s got a tattoo on one ankle (a decal). The base has an impression into which a small LED light can be inserted, with illuminates the whole thing in white, blue, or red light. (My sample also came with a shot glass that cycles through various colors when you pour booze into it. Why not?)

So, something to bring when you meet your future mother-in-law, amirite?

For what it’s worth, company founder Tonya Grubb says she spent three years designing the bottle. As for the vodka inside, it is “derived from fine French wheat and pure water from the French Alps” and is distilled five times.

Putting the bottle aside (which, at some 21 inches in height and over 4 pounds in weight, isn’t easy to do), let’s taste what’s inside.

Unlike the in-your-face decanter, the vodka itself is surprisingly gentle. The nose is barely there, a soft note of lemon, a touch of mint, and a mild astringency; for the most part this could almost be mistaken for water. The palate is also very easygoing, making for one of the most neutral and soft vodkas I’ve ever encountered. Notes of milk chocolate, orange peel, and white flowers all seem to be present, but only in the most ephemeral, understated way.

Clean and fresh on the finish, Teaz fades away in short order, leaving behind only a light medicinality on the tongue, and utter perversion seared into the brain.

80 proof.

A- (remember we don’t really review the bottle, only what’s inside) / $45 / teaz.com 

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