Category Archives: Rated D/F

Review: Master of Malt Single Cask Scotch Whisky Collection

Posted on December 1, 2009 by Christopher Null| 2 Comments

Master of Malt is a whisky and spirits merchant, and it’s also making its own line of spirits from privately bottled single malt scotches from all over Scotland — including at least one I’d never even heard of before. We sampled a solid five of these offerings, with results all over the proverbial map.

Master of Malt M’Orkney 11 Years Old – Good honey character, with strong sherry notes laced throughout and a touch of smokiness, too. There’s a touch of bitterness in the mix that makes things a little unbalanced, but a vanilla note that comes back in the end makes it all worthwhile. 80 proof. B+ / $58

Master of Malt Arran 12 Years Old – Something funky about this one, and not in a good way. Ultra-briny, with a kind of citrus peel (grapefruit?) overtone. Diesel fuel in the nose and the body, with a hard finish. This is a wild experience that you’ll either love or hate. I’m not a big fan. 80 proof. C- / $75

Master of Malt Tamnavulin 16 Years Old – Good lord, this is something unusual and totally off the wall, and not in a good way, with a kind of burnt wood-meets-raw alcohol body. Deadly finish with a distinct unpleasantness. Not a fan. 110.2 proof. D / $100

Master of Malt Tomantin Cask Strength 19 Years Old – Something more traditional, though not expected, with a huge briny character, peat smoke, and, curiously, a little cocoa powder on the back end. A connoisseur’s whisky, it’s complicated and big, with a huge finish. Worth a try, but be prepared to be a bit flummoxed by its intricacies. 115.2 proof. B+ / $115

Master of Malt Bowmore 26 Years Old – Huge with smoke and wood character, it needs water to make it accessible. 26 years in oak have given this whisky a big honey backbone, with some flowery notes in there, too. The finish is surprisingly short, but it’s definitely worthwhile. 106.8 proof. B+ / $165

masterofmalt.com

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Posted in Rated B+, Rated C-, Rated D/F, Reviews, Scotch, Whiskey

Review: Purista Instant Mojito Mixes

Posted on November 29, 2009 by Christopher Null| Leave a comment

Premixed cocktails are always a dicey proposition, and Purista’s two new mixers probably aren’t going to win any overnight fans.

Offering two spins on a theme — a traditional Mojito and a Blackberry Mojito — these mixes promise they are “hand-crafted” creations made with premium ingredients: In the case of the former, all-natural ingredients including sugar cane juice, mint leaves, key lime juice, and natural flavors.

Surprise then that, when mixed in the proportions recommended by the bottle (1 part mix, 1 part white rum, 2 parts club soda), a Purista Mojito doesn’t taste like much. In my experiments, it mostly tasted like club soda, maybe with the lightest touch of rum and lime. Really no mint at all. Doubling up on Purista mix helped, but quickly caused me to overdo it, turning the normally refreshing mojito cocktail into something far too sweet — and again, lacking in mintiness. C+

The Blackberry Mojito mix (a deep purple which adds blackberry juice as its only additional ingredient) is even less forgiving, sour in small proportions and worse in larger ones. While the standard Purista can be doctored, this one doesn’t work no matter what you do to it. D+

$10 per 750ml bottle / puristacocktails.com

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Posted in Mixers, Rated C+, Rated D/F, Reviews

Review: Mini Chill and iChill “Relaxation Shots”

Posted on October 20, 2009 by Christopher Null| 23 Comments

Energy is for sissies. The future is all about the chillax.

Little two-ounce plastic shots filled with caffeine, taurine, and other ‘ines are all the rage, but the newer phenomenon is shots designed not to pump you up but to cool you down.

Two boxes of these things arrived on virtually the same day, both with “Chill” in the name. It’s probably recklessly irresponsible to down this much chilling power all at once, but that’s why we’re here: So you don’t have to. Here’s what it’s like to be this “chill.”

Mini Chill Relaxation “Natural Stress Relief” includes Valerian Root, GABA, L-Theanine, and 5-HTP. I don’t know what most of that stuff is, but I do know it’s purple. The flavor is berry-like but mild, very lightly sweet via a light touch of sucralose, and actually pretty easy to drink. Do I feel relaxed after polishing one off? Yes, but I’m barely awake enough to finish typing this as it is. Nothing to do with the beer, I’m sure. B+ / $36 for twelve 2-oz. bottles / minichill.com

iChill Relaxation Shot “Blissful Berry” is a much different formulation, including Vitamins B3, B6, B12, B5, Valerian Root, Rose Hips, and Melatonin. While Mini Chill purports to be non-drowsy in its formulation, iChill specifically suggests it might knock you out. That’s if you can finish it off. The taste of iChill is horrible, to be honest, oversweetened to oblivion with a Stevia-based additive, with a bitter finish and a phony berry character. Tastes like medicine. Chilling medicine. D+ / $37.50 for twelve 2-oz. bottles / ichill.com

Does this stuff work? Maybe. But frankly a Melatonin or Valerian Root tablet might do you just as much good if you’re feeling a little too wired.

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Posted in Mixers, Rated B+, Rated D/F, Reviews

Review: Tribeca Light Pre-Mixed Cocktails

Posted on October 11, 2009 by Christopher Null| 2 Comments

Pre-mixed, bottled cocktails that include alcohol continue to make a splash. Tribeca Light’s tactic: Do it all with a low-calorie approach; the label promises that a glass of a Tribeca-tail packs just half the calories of a standard cocktail.

Naturally, some sacrifices may be in order… the promise of a “sophisticated taste in a natural juice malt cocktail” is certainly not the most enticing come-on I’ve ever received, and Tribeca’s faux-deco, ’80s-styled packaging doesn’t really prepare one for the top shelf, either.

Ultimately what we have here is a malt beverage in the Smirnoff Ice mode, one created with natural juices… plus artificial colors and artificial sweetener. Tribeca Light mixes proudly proclaim they contain alcohol, but at 10.2% alcohol each, they don’t contain much…

Three flavors are now being introduced. Here are thoughts on the full lineup.

Tribeca Light Mojito packs a lot of lime in, and just a little mint kick. The malt-bev base isn’t easy to miss, with that boozy kind of finish that comes off as bulkish. The sweetener, though, is the problem. It’s probably sucralose, with that overpowering saccharine aftertaste that the stuff always leaves in your mouth. B-

Tribeca Light Margarita tastes little like a freshly-made margarita. If you’re a fan of super-sweet margarita mix with a little splash of booze in it, well, you’ll love Tribeca Light’s rendition. C-

Tribeca Light Pomegranate Martini is a close approximation of what you’d get if you mixed cough syrup and Zima together and let it go flat. Mmmmm…. D

pricing TBD / tribecalight.com

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Posted in Mixers, Rated B-, Rated C-, Rated D/F, Reviews

Review: FrostShot “The Frozen Liquor Shot”

Posted on May 10, 2009 by Christopher Null| 7 Comments

Great googly moogly, how does one approach discussion of FrostShot? Put simply, it’s an Otter Pop with booze in it: A plastic tube filled with sugary goo which, when frozen, becomes like slushy ice. You squeeze it out directly into your mouth.

Only Otter Pops can’t get you drunk.

They also taste a lot better than FrostShots, which are, to put it extremely mildly, an acquired taste. At just 10 percent alcohol, one goes in feeling FrostShots will be very mild, but that’s not the case at all. These things are overpowering with wild artificial flavors, and those seeking refinement and subtlety would be better served by mixing up a batch of Jello shots. One presumes the club kids will have a different response.

I will say that not all the flavors are created equally — the cherry (Cherry Bomb) is the least offensive, followed by lime (Extreme Mojito). But the passion fruit (Caribbean Passion), pineapple (Tropical Explosion), and raspberry (XXX Martini — yeah, I don’t get that one either) flavors I found wholly unconsumable, their chemical/fruit flavors nearly knocking me down right in my kitchen. As such, I can’t offer much in the way of a meaningful rating, but I’d have to put them all on varying parts of the (distant) lower half of the bell curve.

$1.49 per serving / frostshot.com

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Posted in Liqueurs, Rated D/F, Reviews

Review: Fish Eye and Pinot Evil Boxed Wines

Posted on May 9, 2009 by Christopher Null| 1 Comment

More and more producers are turning to boxes to move lots of product (they typically hold three liters vs. just 750ml of wine in a standard bottle) at rock-bottom prices.

Here’s a look at two more offerings that use cardboard and plastic in lieu of glass and cork.

Fish Eye 2008 California Pinot Grigio is a pleasant, if wholly unchallenging white. Served very cold, it’s crisp, with grassy lemon notes and a moderately clean finish. There’s not a whole lot of fruit in the glass — though that’s common with pinot grigio — but overall this is a pleasant enough wine considering the rock-bottom price. B- / $15 for 3-liter box / fisheyewines.com

Pinot Evil Non-Vintage Pinot Noir Vin de Pays de l’ile de Beaute is proof that the box wine business is better left to the less tempermental white wine world, despite it’s impressive-sounding French roots. Like a very light and young (and very cheap) Beaujolais, this wine offers prune-like fruit and a skunky finish that, quite frankly, I can’t find much charm in at all. D+ / $15 for 3-liter box / pinotevil.com

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Posted in Rated B-, Rated D/F, Reviews, Wine

Book Review: The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Bartending

Posted on December 25, 2008 by Christopher Null| Leave a comment

While I was pleasantly surprised to find that the recent Complete Idiot’s Guide to Wine Basics was a credible and well-written introductory guide to the world of wine, another book from the Idiot’s series unfortunately bears little similarity.

The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Bartending, by Amy Zavatto, boasts 1,500 recipes on its cover, but sheer volume is the only thing it has going for it. The problems begin with the excruciating first four chapters (wedged into 48 pages), wherein Zavatto tries to explain how to stir a drink with ice, that you shouldn’t drink and drive, and — most painfully — explains via table that some booze is more expensive than other booze, but fails to offer an opinion on whether it’s worth it to upgrade. To see the entire wine world crammed into a third of a page (and a mere quarter page for beer) is so laughable one wonders why it wasn’t excised by a shrewd editor.

But eventually we move on to the bulk of the tome, and that is recipes. They are helpfully split up by main liquor type, but that’s about all I can agreeably say about them. Surely no one has ever ordered a bouzo — bourbon and ouzo on ice — but obscurities like this are no reason to hate the book. Rather, it’s that some of the recipes are just plain wrong. The absolute worst offender: The caipirinha recipe, which calls for the juice of an entire lime, twice as much (or more) than you’d need and likely to kill both the drink and the drinker.

Other issues are less heinous but still eyebrow-raising. The type of vermouth in most recipes is often unspecified. The martini’s vermouth is, but the recipe calls for three whopping, brutish ounces of gin and a “dash of dry vermouth.” And the recipe for sangrita included is a more obscure, alternate version, which includes no tomato juice.

Sigh. Maybe “idiots” can drink wine, but they surely shouldn’t tend bar.

D / $13

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Posted in Books, Rated D/F, Reviews

Review: Hook & Ladder Brewing Company Beers

Posted on February 10, 2008 by Christopher Null| Leave a comment

Across the northeastern U.S. you’ll find bars serving Hook & Ladder beer, products brewed by a company with roots in the firefighting biz: The founders are two brothers, one of whom is a volunteer fireman. The beers aren’t widely distributed west of Virginia, but if you should find one, you’re in for a treat. I got my hands on all three of H&L’s brews (including its newest one, Lighter). Some thoughts below.

Golden Ale – This is H&L’s signature brew, a classic American ale that is nicely polished, rich with flavor but not too bitter. It’s a beer that fills your mouth and comes across as almost heavy, but it goes down so smoothly that it ultimately reveals itself as a real thirst-quencher that will leave you wanting another one immediately. A

Backdraft Brown – A lot like the Golden Ale, but (obviously) brown in color and more bitter, more full of hops. It’s a deep brown ale, but not nearly as bitter as the color would indicate. The roots are clearly in the Golden Ale with this one, but if you want something a little meatier it’s a good choice. I prefer the Golden, but this one works just fine. I’d take it over Newcastle any day. A-

Lighter – H&L’s entry into the light beer business won’t send the Silver Bullet marketing team into a panic. At 94 calories, it’s as watery and tasteless as any light beer I’ve tried. I couldn’t tell the difference between this and Miller Lite if you put a gun to my head. (Please don’t. I’ll drink the beer if it comes to that.) D+

Each $7 per six-pack / hookandladderbeer.com

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Posted in Beer, Rated A, Rated A-, Rated D/F, Reviews

Review: Jones Soda Chanukah Pack 2007

Posted on November 21, 2007 by Christopher Null| 3 Comments

As previously promised, here is your coverage of the flipside of the Jones Soda Christmas Pack: The Jones Soda Chanukah Pack, loaded with four bottles of pop: Apple Sauce Soda, Latke Soda, Jelly Doughnut Soda, and Chocolate Coins Soda, plus a plastic dreidel. Here’s how they stack up against the gentiles.

Apple Sauce: I eased into things with an easy one. Surprisingly like apple sauce (and not just apple juice), quite authentic, like someone somehow carbonated and liquified apple sauce. B

Latke: Yes, I’d been warned. The smell wasn’t heinous, and quite a bit like potato pancake. It didn’t smell all that bad, unlike the Christmas Ham soda from the Xmas pack. But one taste and your mind is changed. It tastes not like potatoes but potato juice, like that stuff on the plate after you microwave a baking potato for 12 minutes. And it looks like potato juice, too. Rancid, oh-so-disgusting. D-

Jelly Doughnut: Is this really a key component of Chanukah? Anyway, the soda really does taste like jelly, not so much like doughnuts. What kind of jelly is hard to describe. Maybe strawberry, but mostly just chemical goo that’s been fermented a bit, perhaps. Not bad, but the electric pink color is off-putting. B

Chocolate Coins: Actually tastes better than those waxy, low-grade chocolate coins you get. Not bad, a lot like a pumped-up (and strong) chocolate soda or a carbonated Yoo-Hoo. Not that I want to finish off the bottle, mind you. B+

So there you have it. Chanukah edges out Christmas by a narrow margin, though both have their ups and downs. What the hell, I heartily recommend you give them both a try. Save the Latke and Ham sodas for whatever adult parlor games you have planned for after everyone’s done with dinner.

$12 per mixed four-pack / jonessoda.com

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Posted in Mixers, Rated B, Rated B+, Rated D/F, Reviews

Review: Jones Soda Christmas Pack 2007

Posted on November 19, 2007 by Christopher Null| 3 Comments

Yes, Virginia, there is life beyond Mountain Dew. Renown for its Turkey & Gravy and Brussels Sprouts carbonated concoctions released for the holidays, Jones Soda (motto: “I dare you.”) has come up with two new packs for 2007, one for Christmas and one for Chanukah, each containing four bottles of curiously holiday-flavored soda. In this first post, I’ll tackle the Christmas pack. Rest assured, Chanukah will be coming up soon… I’ve already been warned about the Latke Soda.

The limited edition pack includes four bottles: Christmas Tree Soda, Christmas Ham Soda, Egg Nog Soda, and Sugar Plum Soda. I tackled them in that order.

Christmas Tree: Definitely odd, not terrible. It tastes like it’s lost its fizz, but maybe its the auto coolant-green color that’s messing with my mind. Tastes less like an actual Christmas tree and more like a car air freshener in the shape of one. C

Christmas Ham: The main event, to be sure, and exactly what you’re expecting. It doesn’t taste like ham, it tastes rancid, salty sweet, and just plain nasty. I take comfort in the fact that it is kosher, so there’s no actual ham in it. I took the rest of the bottle to a party that night. I highly recommend doing so just to check out the look on people’s faces when they take their one (and only) sip. F

Egg Nog: A surprising win. I probably wouldn’t drink it every day, but it’s got a nutmeg and eggy flavor that isn’t all that bad, and I dislike eggnog greatly. Sweet, but not overly so. B+

Sugar Plum: Emphasis on sugar. Tastes like chemical blueberry over plum, more like a liquefied Pop-Tart or something. Hard to get through the bottle, but kids will dig it. B-

So there you have it. I don’t feel too bad panning some of these because I think Jones Soda would agree they aren’t really meant to be consumed. They are, however, meant to be purchased: A minimum of $10,000 of the proceeds of sales of this pack will go to Toys for Tots. So buy some… and drink up if you dare.